If you have poo, fling it now.

The flood waters having left my driveway, my car being at my disposal again, hunting she shall go. My arrival at the now defunct gas station, having not been marred by running over any pedestrians, was no less horrific. NOT FOR SALE. The gas station had sold and was now a scuba shop slash paint ball shop, which makes a giant shark relevant to its business. Personally I would have shot the shark up with paint balls to get the point across, but I digress. I opted to get out of my car after sobbing for a good 20 seconds, and take photos. The owner, who again had no paint balls splatter on him, walked slowly towards me with a look that said let's try  to not scare the crazy lady. The walking on tippy toes, arms stretched out in a "I am harmless" way, like he was going to bag me, was a bit much, no? I tried that whole banter thing I've seen other people do with strangers. I've been observing this in humans for many years now, so I gave it a go. "SHARK FOR SALE...

Now the family and friends started rallying after seeing videos of my flood predicament. Because let's face it, when you make the 6 o'clock news, every single day for 70 days, your loved ones start to get a little antsy, if not down right apoplectic. The variety of encouragement was no greater than the people I hang with. The local tribe, seeing me stranded and not a thing they could do to help, were calling me frequently and offering all sorts of refugee perks, this was a beautiful gesture.  Of course they figured out not to call me on the 110km windy 5ft waves days, my fears so grand, I could only blink in Morse code. You need video chat for that shit. So the online connected tribe decided to chip in with their own versions of help. Aube, for instance, who loves 80's music, would send me metal hair band videos. I am so happy for her. I am happy she lives far away since I could not canoe to her house and smack her with an oar. Two oars. The pointy ends. I know oars are...

Now granted, I was lazy about getting out the canoe and paddling in 110km winds with various evacuees, dogs and relatives, frankly the whole fearing for my life and my house was a lame excuse for not jumping right into the 5ft waves hitting my house (waves hitting my house on all four sides) and just getting that giant metal shark. I mean come on! Certainly there were the logistics of how to ride a shark while carrying the canoe over my head. But in the end it was better to live another day, wait for the end of the mother flood, and try to stay sane whilst. Sanity depended on how much pie there was in the house and wearing hip waders 24/7. Pecan pie especially. You can pronounce the word pecan any way you like, just leave me alone. I was eating anything I could get my hands on and the boots didn't make my hair look fat at all. I was eating like a pig and losing weight, it was awesome. My mind also needed hilarity to take the edge off maybe having to evacuate my home, so this...

After a painful whirlwind first three months of 2011, that may or may not be discussed at a later date, the fourth month, April 16th to be exact, brought this terrible thing to my backyard: (What the hell is she talking about? A little water over the edge, total drama queen...) Then that turned to this on April 17th, it was a birthday gift for my most loved one: (Okay, well that is bit more water, but still, quit your whining...) Then, for Easter, I went scuba hunting for eggs and may have eaten my weight in chocolate: (Yes, yes, we get it, water, bla bla...Wait. IS THAT THE ROAD???) My shark-less house was surrounded by water. Hip deep water.  For 70+ days, it looked like this: How, um, inconvenient. Well, as it turns out, this was a national disaster, 10,000 homes affected in my province and 3,000 people evacuated. Thankfully, I wasn't the only one with an army tank in her driveway. I must say, when an army tank rolls up to your house, you have two...

What? This is a perfectly normal photo. Oh, the story attached to it? Yes, I see your point. Well, it all started over a year ago, the best set-ups do. Near my home there was a 6ft giant metal shark as a business front ornament for a gas station. You know, nothing says gas like a shark, frankly eHarmony was certainly involved, so perfect the match. I drove directly into their parking lot hearing angels in my head, or that could have been the people I ran over. I stood there gob smacked, grinning.  It's on metal posts 6ft in the air, sexy subtle. I wasn't really hugging it, I was trying to see if I could budge it more than a centimeter. Then a thought occurred to me that my actions could be interpreted as stealing, and after running over those people, I may be in trouble. "Not for sale" gas station man said when I offered to buy it.  He had to repeat himself apparently I had gone deaf. Back at home Johnny Depp laughed at my description, but od...

JAYSUS. He died for your fins.