If you have poo, fling it now.

For those who aren't up to speed, you might want to read this first: Click here ->     Flinging poo for real! Today is the liquid diet day. It is 9am and I already want a steak. I am starving, this does not bode well for the rest of the day. Clear broth for breakfast, mmm. Right up there with not winning the lottery. Today is also Prep day. Preparation for appointment day. Prrrrrrep. Or better known as hurl everything you are into the toilet day. This starts later. I am looking forward to it for I may see stars.  Who doesn't want to lay unconscious on the commode whilst little gnomes fling out? Fun! I'll give you 50$ for a brioche.

I'm sorry, what's that person on the phone? You want me to do what? That soon? Huh. Faints. Here's the thing. I have anemia. My hemoglobin values are not getting better with time nor iron so my thorough doctor - let's read the word "thorough" again shall we? - thought to cover all bases and schedule a colonoscopy in case there is bleeding, ulcers, gnomes,...up in there. Up in there.  Up in there. Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here... (DMX? Anyone?) Did you know that with a supposedly socialized health care system one ought to be on a waiting list for these things? Nope, not my ass. They called yesterday and wanted it done this Friday. Friday? I can't possibly, that is the 4th of July!! Johnny Depp is American, surely this excuses me from hell?  So Tuesday it is.  The Google told me there is a "prep" day beforehand? Nice word. Prep. Sounds so innocent and perky. Let's face it, I'll be flinging p...

Hi Deer Goat Wilma! Well, knock me over with a brick. 5 people. Yes 5 so far, have asked me if Wilma will change into a fawn brindle when she grows up. You know, like the Humphrey Dalmatian? 5. Yes, I see it here. From blue to Dalmatianesque.  Now I'll just add photos for gratuitous puppy smiles. Sitting pretty. Going Zebra brindle anytime now. She looks worried about it too. Showing off her demure shy side...

Does that look like a goat to you? Yeah, me neither. Same neighbour who dubbed the Humphrey a Dalmatian. "You know she reminds me of a goat. And she runs like a deer.­" Great, I paid good money for a Deer Goat. Maybe she meant Dear Goat. Except her name is Wilhelmina, Wilma to her friends, which is a far cry from the word goat. I thought I'd get "Weimaraner" for sure...Nope. Welcome to the family Wilma, you billy bob goat deer.

 Blogging is hard. I know you are still out there, I see the views on my blog. In fact 52 of you were here yesterday. Which is crazy pants. I haven't put anything up since December. So there. Re-read at will. Johnny is that you? Blogging involves a lot of self openness. Yet, recently I have my face scrunched up not wanting to leak any of me out in print. I ought to quit that, it's giving me wrinkles. Obviously I've lost my wit. Or wherewithal. Maybe both? Nah. When I talk to people in the real world they still show me their teeth. They are either thinking I am a dentist or that I am funny. We'll never know. I'll ask around and get back to you.

Support your local shops is my motto. The problem is they have people in them. Ew.  Armed with mace and a positive attitude, I fa la la la laed uptown. First, I needed a snap button repaired on my trusty winter coat so I headed to a seamstress tiny shop. It was lovely in there, especially the nice woman with the unfortunate habit of coughing on me. Why do people do that to me?  I surmised between hacking convulsions that this poor half dead woman was not able to snap a snap back on and with her dying last cough sent me to a cobbler shop. I now have a pneumonia coming on surely? Okay cobbler shop, Hi, I drove all the way cross town to see you how are you today? "CAN'T DO IT." Comes the reply.  Huh? I've only walked in the door? Surely the seamstress couldn't have called you from her grave to tell you about a tiny snap?  Turns out I was holding my coat in a "certain manner" that prevented him from seeing what kind of snap. Apparently there are mill...

Us whippet owners provide crack for our dogs.  There I said it.  No coming back from it. We have a secret knock, handshake and meetings. We compare, confer and consult. "How big?" "Where do you get yours?" "What time did we crash the site?" "Dear such and such vendor, we are sorry we crashed your site, fork over the on special items now!" "Do you leave the tube in or not?" It arrived nonchalantly, in a plain box. Humphrey was on the box looking for his first fix. He pawed it out of the box because my opposable thumbs were apparently too slow for him. How he knew it was one having never seen one before, well, his skeletal DNA may explain a lot. As soon as it was free from the box he burrowed into to it with such force, quite frankly it was violent. Johnny Depp and I suffered the evil eye for several long minutes having lapsed as Whippet owners. See contract, document 43.8, paragraph C. Humphrey's face was screaming:...