The Tale of The Pandemic Rodent with A New Cast of Characters.
I know, it has been a while.
How. How are you still reading this blog over the years? You are wonderful, thanks.
Or you need a life.
Either way, yay!
How is your Covid coming along? Unexpected wasn't it? Unless you are a epidemiologist, then you've known for years so stop showing off with your silly science.
Now back to the tale. Do you guys remember the video about that family in Ireland with a loose bat in their kitchen? No? Here is the link, I'll wait:
IRISH FAMILY WITH LOOSE BAT IN KITCHEN
Hysterical yes? I am Irish as well, added bonus is me quoting this video, accent included, since its inception. During the ongoing epidemic we have temporarily moved in our elderly neighbour, originally from Belfast. She also happened to have given birth to me and was accompanied by The Anti Christ, aka her little dog.
She's a cute Satan yes? She's actually highly trainable. After a month of pig headedness and constant supervision by me, she now sits on her bed and waits to be fed instead of biting my hand off. Improvement! Her best talent though is to unexpectedly AND loudly bark . Sends me right into orbit and Johnny Depp has to get the ice scraper to peel me off of the ceiling.
When The Anti Christ moved in every single appliance in the house broke and for the first time in the existence of this house a mouse was seen scurrying. Now I am not saying that she brought a mouse in with her little satanic throne bed but she most definitely did. I mean saying that is wrong and I am wrong but she did. There are just no other explanations. Totally not her, but yes yes it was.
(You guys might want to ask the epidemiologist if she is the source of Covid wreaking havoc onto the planet as a lark because she didn't get enough cookies that day.)
Back to the mouse. We decided that we would put one of those humane mouse traps in back of stove drawer. By humane I mean the one that snaps its neck and kills it dead. Or not. Whichever version of me you want to believe is fine by me. Totally dead. Like I wanted to kill it with a thought. I surprised myself at how viciously I wanted to murder it. So dead.
Get to the point Kathleen. Cut to 30 minutes after setting the humane trap (nope) I hear a distinct CLACK. The whole house hears it. All the inhabitants came out at full sprint into the kitchen. Well one inhabitant is an old lady shuffling her feet, we just shoved her out of the way so we could get to the stove. We did not. Maybe. You don't know.
It also might be an important piece of the puzzle to add here that I am in perimenopause. That's a whole other blog onto itself.
Now let me set up the scene and keep in mind the video you just saw up there:
Johnny Depp is on his hands and knees in front of stove drawer pulled out. I am serenely shouting:
"GIT IT!!! DID WE GIT IT???" ""WHAT IS GOING ON?? I AM GOING TO FAINT!!!"
Mum has finally shuffled over to JD, now looming over him calmly stating:
"JAYSUS MURPHY GOD SAVE IRELAND DID YE GIT IT????"
My Johnny Depp, looking under stove with flashlight in hand utters this nugget of zenitude: "OH NO."
I am hopping around on either foot twirling in a circle nearby not sure if I should call the Coast Guard, an exorcist or that shotgun therapist and this point.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN OH NO???? OH MY GOD!!! WHAT DOES OH NO MEAN????"
I am instantly drenched in heavy sweat from head to toe. Not having had a hot flush in many months I am convinced I am about to faint so I just elegantly and demurely lay down onto the kitchen floor with a loud thunk as The Anti-Christ barks emphatically into my left ear sending my nervous system into more spasms.
I can see Mum is turning her body almost jumping as fast as an 81 year old can, switching from one drama to the other. On the one hand looming over a man on his hands and knees with a "oh no" situation then to her almost deceased daughter on the floor.
She screams out: "QUICK THROW A BUCKET OF WATER ON HER!!!"
For some reason this sets me off into a fit of giggles. JD, having no idea what the hell is going on in back of him this entire time, decides this a good time to look back with utter incomprehension only to see his mother in law in her bathrobe two cm from him, his wife on the floor fanning herself and snort laughing incapable of speech but manages to squeak "I am dying."
Unbeknownst to all three participants in this story the older woman was holding an electric toothbrush as a talisman to ward off mice, one assumes, her reflexes decide this might be a good time to start the loud toothbrush off startling herself and others around her.
I am now facing the wall cackling with laughter, Johnny is asking me for a divorce while Mum yells:
"I HAVE TO PEE GIT YE ALL OUT OF THE WAY JAYSUS!!!"
So there you have it, super chill evening.
PS: The "oh no" meant "this mouse is having a wonderful time in his cute little humane trap."
How. How are you still reading this blog over the years? You are wonderful, thanks.
Or you need a life.
Either way, yay!
How is your Covid coming along? Unexpected wasn't it? Unless you are a epidemiologist, then you've known for years so stop showing off with your silly science.
Now back to the tale. Do you guys remember the video about that family in Ireland with a loose bat in their kitchen? No? Here is the link, I'll wait:
IRISH FAMILY WITH LOOSE BAT IN KITCHEN
Hysterical yes? I am Irish as well, added bonus is me quoting this video, accent included, since its inception. During the ongoing epidemic we have temporarily moved in our elderly neighbour, originally from Belfast. She also happened to have given birth to me and was accompanied by The Anti Christ, aka her little dog.
She's a cute Satan yes? She's actually highly trainable. After a month of pig headedness and constant supervision by me, she now sits on her bed and waits to be fed instead of biting my hand off. Improvement! Her best talent though is to unexpectedly AND loudly bark . Sends me right into orbit and Johnny Depp has to get the ice scraper to peel me off of the ceiling.
When The Anti Christ moved in every single appliance in the house broke and for the first time in the existence of this house a mouse was seen scurrying. Now I am not saying that she brought a mouse in with her little satanic throne bed but she most definitely did. I mean saying that is wrong and I am wrong but she did. There are just no other explanations. Totally not her, but yes yes it was.
(You guys might want to ask the epidemiologist if she is the source of Covid wreaking havoc onto the planet as a lark because she didn't get enough cookies that day.)
Back to the mouse. We decided that we would put one of those humane mouse traps in back of stove drawer. By humane I mean the one that snaps its neck and kills it dead. Or not. Whichever version of me you want to believe is fine by me. Totally dead. Like I wanted to kill it with a thought. I surprised myself at how viciously I wanted to murder it. So dead.
Get to the point Kathleen. Cut to 30 minutes after setting the humane trap (nope) I hear a distinct CLACK. The whole house hears it. All the inhabitants came out at full sprint into the kitchen. Well one inhabitant is an old lady shuffling her feet, we just shoved her out of the way so we could get to the stove. We did not. Maybe. You don't know.
It also might be an important piece of the puzzle to add here that I am in perimenopause. That's a whole other blog onto itself.
Now let me set up the scene and keep in mind the video you just saw up there:
Johnny Depp is on his hands and knees in front of stove drawer pulled out. I am serenely shouting:
"GIT IT!!! DID WE GIT IT???" ""WHAT IS GOING ON?? I AM GOING TO FAINT!!!"
Mum has finally shuffled over to JD, now looming over him calmly stating:
"JAYSUS MURPHY GOD SAVE IRELAND DID YE GIT IT????"
My Johnny Depp, looking under stove with flashlight in hand utters this nugget of zenitude: "OH NO."
I am hopping around on either foot twirling in a circle nearby not sure if I should call the Coast Guard, an exorcist or that shotgun therapist and this point.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN OH NO???? OH MY GOD!!! WHAT DOES OH NO MEAN????"
I am instantly drenched in heavy sweat from head to toe. Not having had a hot flush in many months I am convinced I am about to faint so I just elegantly and demurely lay down onto the kitchen floor with a loud thunk as The Anti-Christ barks emphatically into my left ear sending my nervous system into more spasms.
I can see Mum is turning her body almost jumping as fast as an 81 year old can, switching from one drama to the other. On the one hand looming over a man on his hands and knees with a "oh no" situation then to her almost deceased daughter on the floor.
She screams out: "QUICK THROW A BUCKET OF WATER ON HER!!!"
For some reason this sets me off into a fit of giggles. JD, having no idea what the hell is going on in back of him this entire time, decides this a good time to look back with utter incomprehension only to see his mother in law in her bathrobe two cm from him, his wife on the floor fanning herself and snort laughing incapable of speech but manages to squeak "I am dying."
Unbeknownst to all three participants in this story the older woman was holding an electric toothbrush as a talisman to ward off mice, one assumes, her reflexes decide this might be a good time to start the loud toothbrush off startling herself and others around her.
I am now facing the wall cackling with laughter, Johnny is asking me for a divorce while Mum yells:
"I HAVE TO PEE GIT YE ALL OUT OF THE WAY JAYSUS!!!"
So there you have it, super chill evening.
PS: The "oh no" meant "this mouse is having a wonderful time in his cute little humane trap."
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