Showing posts from October, 2011


Look alive people, they're out there. There I was minding my own business, getting vegetables, only talking to myself in my head, my version of being anti-societal, when this flies out of a woman's mouth:

"You have such childish eyes!!!"

"You mean youthful?"

"No childish. I bet you were a princess?"

What am I supposed to reply, if anything to this? I can't pretend to be mute, there is already a groan escaping out of my mouth for all to hear. Oh yes, extra bonus, we've amassed a group of people now awaiting for my answer.  Brilliant.

Um, no? I am not from royal descendants?  Are you asking me if I was a prissy girly girl? Are you calling me immature? Are you being nice and wanting to compliment my youthful nature? Are you saying my eyes are child like but the rest of me is an old bat?

I can see a smile on her face, so I am guessing she is either going to stab me or she means well, either way I went with:

No.  I am batman.

Is 4am an actual time?

Aside from bouts of insomnia recently, where it is wiser to not check the time, I just assumed there is 11pm then 7am, that's all I know. 4am, really? Who knew?

I jolted out of bed, bleary eyed just missing the door jam, upon hearing a sound that evolution has put upon women's ears; a high pitched whine coming from the canine. Men can't hear high pitched whines. Not even perfect Depps. The canine was also making another sound. The sound of "hey this is a great time to up chuck the grass I ate earlier, and I will sully the entirety of my bed, woot."  Whine. Whine. He whines so that I open the door outside. He prefers to hurl outside! What a good boy. He prefers it since it's what I taught him to do. What a good girl.

Well apparently everyone is awake at this imaginary 4am. Even skunks, and then, by default, neighbours. Boy, the screams were right up there with a pot of coffee smacking across the face wake the hell up y'all. Screams? Well, there was me, Hu…

You can't kill a vampire with a garlic treat, stupid.

Vampire don't care, vampire don't give a shit.

One of my first movie theater dates with Johnny Depp was one of the Blade films. You know the one where Ryan Reynolds takes his shirt off?

Let us pray.

Seriously, did the man swallow paint rollers?

Not my first merry-go-round with vampire porn - because let's face it people, vampires are sex on a fang - none of this virgin-esque new stuff. Okay fine, I did read the let's-never-have-sex-skip-to-school-hand-in-hand Twilight books. For the same reason I read Water For Elephants...I could be his mother! This is shameful! Don't tell anyone about my Rupert Grint either...

As a young teenager, my friend D. and I would scooter to the terminus, then take a bus, then the métro (subway) up to Montréal. Very determined kids. We would see anything in the horror/sci fi category. Thank goodness for that, it's how I first met Johnny Depp in 1984, A Nightmare on Elm street. We've been tight ever since.

Oddly enough in my 20'…

Playing sandwich chicken with a hoe.

Postpartum flood rebuilding is all the rage now, so are parachute pants with a different name, but, again, I fashionably digress. 2 Legit.

Every day you hear nail guns, trucks, doozy what's-its, drills, swearing, calls to bank managers and a bit of sobbing. This week is my week! I got me some trucks and hoes, bitches! They have delivered tons of big rocks to shore up the land near the river, dirt to level out the 3 yards, gravel for the driveway and seeds for grass. I can't wait to have an actual driveway!

If a 12 year old shows up in an army tank next year to ruin my driveway again, I will reach in there and snatch his smart phone and smack him with it.

Speaking of which, texting while spreading dirt backwards driving a 2 ton back hoe does not make you look cool a mere inches from my house. What does make you cool is peeing on my yard. I have windows, so do my neighbours we all saw your wiener, thanks for that.

Sigh. Unfortunately this is not my first merry-go-'round-peei…