If you have poo, fling it now.

If you've been following the part about the flood, locusts, roof leaks, you must know by now the asbestos found in the attic needed to come out before they could manage repairs. Who are they? The magical workers that were sent by the insurance company.  All 11 of them. The first batch was the emergency crew to assess and remove any water. They were quick, to the point and took photos of the river because I have a nice view...Helpful? The second was a lady in training, not waiting, just training. She took photos of the situation, the Dalmatian, the river, my new fridge...She wasn't quite cooked yet so they sent another. He stuck his head in the attic hole and declared it filled with what could be asbestos. By God the man was brilliant! I had been flapping my mouth since the beginning that there was vermiculite in the attic and that it "may" be a source of asbestos.  After 3 months they sent in a lab tech to test it, and wouldn't you know it? There is asbestos i...

January, the month of de-cluttering. Or maybe the month of watching one too many shows about closet organization. Also, how in the world is the word hoarder now a thing? And why do those shows always have a poop shot in them? "Yes no-teeth-Ethel we are making a donation, a keep, and a give away pile and found, gasp, after 43 years of not cleaning, RAT DROPPINGS!!"" - cut to shot of poop - cue the Shining music. ARGH!!!! This found me in the basement calmly getting rid of some boxes. Calmly, in this case, means sprinting so fast the Dalmatian was in the rear. I have all my teeth still, so off I go. Spring is coming, don't want to be caught amidst flood season with too much stuff down there - Now the goal I set was 5 or 6 carton boxes for the next hour. HA HA! I am so naive. 1 box and several hours later of me sitting on the floor drooling and leaving me wondering was this really my box? Apparently I was a romance novel, cat loving person who collected Bionic W...

It all started innocent enough.  And ended wickedly devilish. Doing laundry, I found a receipt in Johnny Depp's jeans pocket and was about to crumple it up, but something caught my eye: BLUEBERRY CONDOMS COLGATE Wait. What? Did I read that right? BLUEBERRY CONDOMS COLGATE Yep, there it was in black and white. We use neither. Odd. In my head it went thusly: Do they make them to taste like blueberries, or the colour of blueberries? Why would they make them taste like blueberries silly Kat....Oh. OH. Ah. Must be the colour.... And in a flash I knew how that receipt got there. And not the Jerry-my-husband-is-cheating-on-me-with-my-lover's-sister/cousin/friend/goat-Springer kinda way. The evening before we were at - oh let's call her Pénélope - apartment for supper, enjoying merriment, food and beverages, fun! As we did dishes Johnny Depp took the Dalmatian for his constitutional in the park, picking up a recycled store bag from a bin just ins...

Digits. Two. Zero. One. One. Two thousand and eleven, which sounds more serious. Serious like an actual year. A year with some tough life lessons. My year in review?  Meh, you have it all amongst these pages. I just want to make it pass January 18th, not fall down and see what the other side of that feels like to wear.  Naked Emperor, indeed. What's curious to me, besides that last sentence, is this blog. I had no idea it would interest anyone else but myself (and maybe Pixarian.)  But there you all are, day after day checking to see if I have made a new entry, encouraging me to keep going, saying my hilarity is infectious and not treatable. You've been Awesome-fied!! I have a few things up my sleeve concerning this forum for 2012. Mischief is brewing. So thank you for taking this ride with me. Thank you Latvia, Russia, England, Denmark, Sweden, Canada, USA, France, Germany, Ireland, Italy, Kazakhstan... Happiest of Poo Flinging 2012 to all of...

Happy Holidays. I'm cool with that sentence. The problem I have is with the whole "do not say Christmas, don't do it, just don't."  For the love of the PC god! December 25th is Christmas people. That's when supposedly the baby Jaysus stuck in some itchy hay got three shitty gifts from kings who were lost following the wrong cardinal point star and now we must repent forever by buying crap at Walmart. Yeah, that's what it said in the bible, 3 shitty gifts. If one wants to wish me a Happy Hanukkah as I leave a store, I'd be thrilled as well! It's the thought behind the sentence. If I didn't celebrate Christmas, which I'm not sure I'm doing it right anyway, and someone wished me anything but harm, and go with an enthusiastic "Thank you, you too!" "Happiest of Kwanzaa Ma'am!" "Right back at ya kid, don't call me ma'am." And you just know Bhuddha hisself in his festive sandals would be ...

2011 has taught me a lot. I mean tons. I mean I am standing here near its end and I do not need to learn one more single thing. Nope, I'm full thanks. I'm actually scared of typing that, I'm sure the roof will cave in or my neck will crack a certain way and I'll be leaning over gumby-ish for the rest of my days and then where would I be?  I'm not that bendy. If you have been following this blog, you all remember the biblical flood from April to June, you know the whole 70 days of this mayhem: Not that those waves were crashing against my house, that would be insane....Oh wait. No what would be insane is to not evacuate and fight to save the house, who does that? But actually the year started with a whiz banger of a bang in January. For instance, a person learning he has cancer of the liver at noon then passes away at 11:30pm same day - who does that?  SURPRISE! Then who does this, 3 days later, in front of a hundred people at his funeral and doesn't...

If you start a blog under the premise that you hate people, they come out of the woodwork like brain eating zombies and throw themselves at your feet. They tap tap tap your diamond rings, they roll up onto your driveway in a tank, they cough into your swimsuit, hopefully giving you dengue fever and they ask you the definition of the word collusion. It's like The Secret. If you really really want something or really really resist something, it magically sits on your lap for a 10$ lap dance or something. Can you tell I haven't read that book? Can you tell I'm not going to?  Stories, everyone has them, I just have an eye (two, actually) for them. So, off I go warning the online tribe that I will come back with a story, sure enough, the dancer has lap sat. "Excuse me miss, can you tell me what the word collusion means?"  Points for the miss. I look over and see uni bomber hat dude is pointing to the paper in front of him. Being of a trusting nature I actually ...